Rothwell-Gornt

Uncovered: PM’s Links to Ignoble Hong

2010-06-03T18:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Allow me to first state that I hold little respect for “coalition government” - above all a sign of weakness. What, for example, would Rothwell-Gornt’s esteemed shareholders say to a proposed merger with the loathsome Struan’s? Over our dead bodies, one would hope!

The bottom line is that if you can’t beat, bribe, extort (or poison) your opposition, you don’t deserve to be Taipan - and in failing to achieve any of these, Mr Cameron made an unrecoverable mistake. Indeed within a local context (Hong Kong Rules), he simply would not have been able to succeed.

Rather interestingly, the PM did try - and presumably fail - to make it in Hong Kong in the mid-1980s. Indeed, his flaccid leadership style was spotted by the equally impotent Noble House, where for a period of three months he was employed as a Ship Jumper (see pg. 37). The position sounds like valuable training for a career in politics.

Upon further inspection, the PM’s ties to Struan’s are closer than your Taipan likes to admit. Like Dunross and his irksome predecessors, he also hails from upper crust Scottish ancestry – but more importantly his Great Grandfather was the Director of the Chartered Bank of India, Australia and China, a major beneficiary of the opium trade.

With Struan’s indirectly helping the PM’s family to become rich, a deplorable and incestuous relationship has thus taken shape. It is one that undeniably gives the Noble House the upper hand in government relations. We must therefore remain vigilant - for any movement in the regulatory landscape, any Prime Ministerial visits to the Far East, and any special favours that may ensue.

What we do not know is how the Noble House treated the PM over those three months - and this is the deal breaker. Did they teach him to work hard and invest wisely – or did they encourage him to squander his salary and bonus in the bars of Wan Chai or the races of Happy Valley?

Of particular interest are some of the Noble House's more unusual traditions. For example, during his own time as a young apprentice, Ian Dunross’ virginity was famously auctioned off at a local glamour club - with the bidding managed by the hong’s own Comprador! Let us hope Mr Cameron was at least treated with greater dignity.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

The Comprador's Code

2010-03-23T23:58:00.001-07:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

During Rothwell-Gornt's 2010 Advisory Council Meeting, held at the Pussy Cat Club (Wanchai branch), ex-Comprador Tiberius Pong tactfully raised an unwelcome issue:

"If it is true that flies do not visit an egg which has no crack," he started, "then are we to assume the recent reports regarding Taipan Ho are perchance accurate?"

In fairness to Pong, he had by this stage imbibed a not inconsiderable volume of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild, the PCC's vin de table. The 1982 vintage is a delight, but in rather short supply.

I digress. My response was simple: "It was noted in Taipan Ho's statements to international press that there was absolutely no foundation in any suggestion that he is associated with organized crime or triads," I recalled from memory.

Emboldened by his drink, the red-faced ex-Comprador pushed on: "Yes Taipan, but as they say, the longer the explanation, the bigger the lie," he mumbled. His head dropped neatly into the lap of a delectable young hostess.

The Comprador's Code - a component of Hong Kong Rules - is the issue at stake. "At no stage should one conglomerate gossip about the legality of another's business," it states. And as Tai-pan of one of the more colourful hongs, it is a value I treasure.

Indeed, the roots of most hongs are intertwined with activities commonly perceived as reprehensible - this is true even of the glossy (yet loathsome) Noble House. But a larger issue is at stake - the odd weapons shipment here, the occasional oversight of a UN trade embargo there - which upstanding Hong Kong citizen cares about such trivialities anyway?

It is a great shame ex-Comprador Pong has uncharacteristically not reported to work this week. I would have enjoyed sharing these thoughts with him.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

The SCMP Responds

2009-11-28T22:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

My delectable young secretary Ebola Choi recently received the following repsonse from the South China Morning Post:

Dear Mr Gornt,

... I need to check your name. I am assuming this is a pseudonym, given that Quillan Gornt is a character in the novel Taipan. If so, this letter must run under your real name.

Regards,
Letters Editor

Damn and blast this publication. It is more pestilent that the loathsome Noble House itself. Along with Dunross, they shall be sold short in tomorrow's trading.

Best of seasonal joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell Gornt Holdings

Gornt Writes to the SCMP

2009-11-28T22:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Editor,

I have been shocked, distressed and angry in equal measure with the views shared by two fellow expatriates in yesterday’s [today's] letters section.

In his letter, (“Cultural Mix”) Mike Brooks remarks in a tone reminiscent of a fallen Tai-pan that the “Hong Kong Chinese way” does not work, that Hong Kong’s international city hallmark vindicates any decision not to learn Chinese, and that Hong Kong’s greatest misfortune was that the British left.

Peter Sherwood (“Behind France”), meanwhile, makes an outlandish comparison between Hong Kong and a Pyrenean village following a recent sojourn to the French mountains. He notes that food is cheaper and that the French have superior recycling facilities.

While Brooks’ opinions are both antiquated and unseemly, Sherwood’s obscure correlation is completely asinine (I am surprised he didn’t mention air quality!). The solution to what some call “irritable gweilo syndrome” is straightforward - if Hong Kong is no longer good enough for you, you may leave.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
The Peak

Rothwell-Gornt To Launch Alternative Investments

2009-07-15T21:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

As I entertained a curious mixture of Hong Kong’s most pecunious, slender, and incorruptible tycoons, elite escorts, and public officials at a “Taipan reception” at Gornt Mansions last night, a number of my esteemed guests inquired as to what I have been doing with my spare time now the Jockey Club has entered the off-season.

The answer, of course, is preparing for a successful 2010 season. More specifically, having succumbed to Dunross’ Noble Man on more than one occasion, my previous steed - Pilot Fish - has been turned to glue. In keeping with Rothwell-Gornt’s strong record in sustainability, he has been "repackaged" into a composite building material and flogged to a two-bit real estate developer in Guangzhou.

As you are aware, Hong Kong’s searing summers are not only too hot for horses, they are also uncomfortable for humans (and Taipans). My usual outdoor activities – such as pleasure boating, or sipping Mouton Rothschild on the balcony at Sevva – are no longer appropriate in this climate, and instead my Wednesday evenings are now being used to experiment with new options.

Indeed, thanks to Hong Kong’s increasingly cosmopolitan society, I have tried my hand at yoga, something called “stretch”, and even hip-hop dancing. The latter is the perfect excuse to don my tight “Rothwell-Gornt” custom-branded lyrca leggings and pop socks, and prance around to music by Lil Wayne, who’s not half bad in my view.

What is the point of all this, you may ask? Well, fellow shareholders, I spy an investment opportunity. Without giving away my precise business plan, one could, for example, purchase a group of these businesses, bundle them together, launch them on the exchange, and then market them as “alternative assets”. Yoga as an asset class – who would have thought it!

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Happy Birthday, Taipan!

2009-06-22T19:06:00.000-07:00

Exhibit: The Sinking of The Flying Cloud, the Pride of Struans'

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Today marks the birthday of my loathsome, plucky adversary, Ian Dunross. As such I would like to convey an especially important, high priority message.

During his captaincy of the Noble House, it is well-known that Dunross has scuppered many of my best laid-plans: hostile takeovers have been thwarted; applications to the Board of Stewards at the Jockey Club have been repeatedly declined; and while pained to admit it, the Taipan’s panache, enduring boyish looks, and cocky swagger ensure that he wins with women every time.

Annoying as this is, this spirit of competition is of course enshrined within Hong Kong Rules. Indeed, over many years of shenanigans, this has developed into symbiotic relationship whereby I need Dunross, and Dunross needs me. For example, if Dunross perished in a typhoon - like Dirk before him - whose shares would I chose to short-sell as I enjoyed my morning latte? Similarly, if I disappeared in a freak boating accident, whose brakes would Dunross chose to bugger when he throws a dinner party?

Testament to the goodwill inherent in Rothwell-Gornt, I should therefore like to take this opportunity to extend an olive branch and wish the Taipan a very happy birthday. In keeping with tradition, the employees of Rothwell-Gornt have once again demonstrated their appreciation by collectively purchasing a rather unique present (kindly forfeiting their annual bonuses in the process). This year they have commissioned a striking oil colour depicting the sinking of the Flying Cloud – one of Struans’ finest ships, lost in a storm a couple of decades ago.

I trust the Taipan will find room for this tasteful gift in his boardroom. Again, happy birthday, Taipan – and a pox on you and your lousy firm!

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Taipan Thursday Terminates in Tantrum

2009-05-22T18:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

As any player with economies of scale would know, one of the great shortcomings of the Happy Valley Races is that you cannot short-sell your opponent's horse. It is a tactic that would have come in useful at last Thursday's meet.

Dunross - now back in Hong Kong - challenged me to "Taipan Thursday" at the races. The parameters were straightforward: HK$20 million in each pot, Hong Kong Rules apply. I simply could not refuse as Dunross' own horse - Noble Man - was running in Race 8, no doubt be the decider.

Dropsy Wong, my personal assistant, arranged for a car to the races. As a man of the people, I then stood track-side and committed HK$20 million of Rothwell-Gornt's own money, confident in my abilities as a proprietary trader. High above, in the safety of Jockey Club Stewards box, I could see the familiar figure of I.S. Dunross, Taipan of the Noble House, looking down.

Betting started in Race 3. Both Dunross and I went in cautiously, with Dunross taking the early spoils - a meagre HK550,000. In Race 4, Dunross spread his bets across no less than six horses - the risk averse investment thesis of Struan's all too apparent. His tactic didn't work, and I evened the tally with a HK$500,000 win.

By Race 5, the stakes - and the risks - were getting higher. I opted for an ambitious quinella, which backfired, while the Taipan also had bad luck. We racked up over HK$5 million in losses between us. The turning point came in Race 6 - my losses of HK$400,000 comparing favourably to Dunross' HK$3 million expense. In Race 7 I capitalised on my already strong position with a famous HK$9.65 million win - my best performance this year.

As things stood, by Race 8 - our final round - my pot stood at HK$26.75 million, the Taipan's below HK$17 million. Standing on the terrance, Dunross gave me a secret hand sign - "all in Taipan", it said. We committed our remaining stakes. The race was going my way until the final furlong. From the back of the field, Noble Man staged an impressive sprint to take second place, and Dunross had won big. A replay can be seen here.

The final standings were: Gornt down HK$3.75million, Dunross up HK$5.8 million. My loss shall be disclosed in Rothwell-Gornt's Interim Report as "Miscellaneous Expenses".

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

PS - If anyone from the Hong Kong Jockey Club is reading, I am still awaiting my invitation to the Board of Stewards.

Hanoi Hilton for Dunross and Co.

2009-05-07T01:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

My sincere apologies for not communicating with you sooner!

As you might expect I have been preoccupied, unable to tear myself away from the realtime market data supplied my customised 18 carat gold engraved “Taipan QG” Bloomberg terminal. The Hang Seng, you see, has rallied, restoring my previously undervalued net worth and boosting the market capitalisation of this esteemed firm to pre-crunch levels.

As much as I hate to be the one to dampen your euphoric spirits, I must warn you of a potential suspension of trading, and a short-term correction to Rothwell Gornt shares. This action is based on rumours that Ian Dunross will be returning to Hong Kong in coming weeks. The market is already awash with disruptive and false rumours of a Noble House takeover.

The purpose of the Taipan’s visit is essentially benign: he is coming for the Annual General Meeting - originally scheduled in Koh Samui - while also spending a few days in Hong Kong. As a practical joke, I have acquired a minority stake in Struan’s in his absence. Using my voting rights, I have changed the location of the AGM from “Koh Samueee” (as the Taipan says), to Hanoi, Vietnam. The Taipan seems to be the last person on earth not to know about this.

Activism indeed! David Webb would be proud.

In the meantime, I have asked my secretary, the delectable Urethra Chan, to ensure that the Taipan’s flights are changed accordingly – that he flies economy class from Hong Kong to Hanoi in accordance with Noble House regulations (less than 3 hours for business) – and that he be delivered a gluten intolerant vegan lacto-ovo meal during the journey. In Hong Kong, I have kindly offered to pay for his accomodation in a suite at the Metropark Hotel, Wan Chai.

See you in Hanoi, Dunross!

Best of bull market joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Gornt Does Amsterdam

2009-04-16T13:33:00.001-07:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Your Taipan has spent the past few days in Amsterdam. By coincidence, I am not the only owner of a Hong Kong weblog to be in this fine city - Lola Voyages Entreprises has also been spending a few days in the Venice of the North. Sadly we did not spend it together. Had I known earlier, I would have invited her for a cruise along the canals aboard my Sunseeker. It is a trip that few young ladies can refuse!

Now to business. I am afraid to report that Rothwell-Gornt's most loathsome competitor, "Struan's" - also known as the Noble House - has developed a sizeable and rapidly expanding business empire in Europe's lowlands. Their brand is ubiquitous - from XXX titles which I noticed whilst strolling innocently around Amsterdam's Red Light District (Knoble Knobs, Stuan's Shemales III, Struan's Strap-ons, and so on) - to quaint side streets as far away as the Hague.

It may come as no surprise that Dunross has also invested heavily in Amsterdam's "coffee shops". The margins for legal recreational drugs may not be as lucrative as those of opium in the days of Dirk Struan and Tyler Brock - but they still seem interesting enough for the Taipan to be involved.

While the Noble House's relative strength in this market is of some concern, we can take heart that Dunross appears to have been heavily affected by Holland's liberal attitude to both drugs and sex. His new look seems unlikely to inspire great confidence amongst Europe's business elite.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO & Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Rats and Rabbits! – Plot Perdu at Paris Auction

2009-03-02T00:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

My failure to secure the winning bid for the Chinese “Rat and Rabbit” bronze sculptures at the Collection Yves Saint Laurent et Pierre Berge auction in Paris last week has left me feeling rather deflated.

At first, my esteemed shareholders, I was red with rage! The very moment that Cai Mingchao’s combined 31.5 million euro offer was accepted, I leapt from my chair, and flung my Collector’s Guide across the auction hall - narrowly missing delicate Lot 21. I then burst out of Christie’s and stomped furiously down Av. Matignon, where I found a small café in which to drown my sorrows.

Several bottles of vin du jour later, I found myself staggering drunkenly around Paris’ huitième arrondissement. Eventually I managed to regain my senses and return my suite at the Ritz – but not until after being cautioned by a gendarme for urinating at the intersection of Av. Franklin D. Roosevelt and Av. Des Champs-Elysees.

Regrettably that anger has now transcended into a deep depression - you see I had flown from Hong Kong with the sole intention of acquiring these works of art. Indeed, my eyes had been trained on the two treasures for some time - the Rat (for all its rodent and vermin-like qualities) reminds me of Ian Dunross, while the Rabbit has strangely Gorntian features.

They were to be placed in Rothwell-Gornt’s Boardroom – a stark reminder of the bitter struggle between Hong Kong’s two greatest conglomerates. Instead, their future now hangs in the balance, having been “bought” by an undercover agent of the Chinese National Treasures Fund.

I don’t think I have felt this depressed since my failed takeover of Struan’s in the mid-1980s. But at least I wasn’t outbid by Dunross. Now that would have been unbearable!

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Rothwell Gornt’s 2009 Investment Strategy: Real Estate, Real Estate, Real Estate

2009-02-17T17:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Rothwell-Gornt is pleased to announce to 2009 investment strategy. Steering clear of equities and fixed income products (particularly minibonds) – hallmarks of recent years – I am delighted to announce that the firm will embark upon a more traditional yet equally profitably route: Real estate.

Our investment thesis is that property prices have declined dramatically in recent months, representing a good buying opportunity. Properties on the Peak, in particular, declined some 41% in the final quarter of 2009 - “the biggest on record in Hong Kong’s luxury property market,” Peter Marlowe writes in the Taipan Times (yes - he's still on the go!).

Symbolic of our ambitions in this sector, I plan to kick-start the investment programme with an audacious hostile takeover of one of Hong Kong’s most prestigious addresses – the Noble House Peak Mansion. The property has been sitting idle ever since the Tai-Pan left for Holland. With Dunross still distracted by nano-scale petrochemical deals, the timing for a trophy takeover may never have been better.

Right, time for an Extrajoss Cola – I feel my melamine levels reaching dangerously low levels.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
Taipan and CEO
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Extrajoss: Coming To a Store Near You!

2009-02-07T22:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

I am delighted to inform you of the successful launch of the latest product offering in Rothwell-Gornt's consumer beverage line - Extrajoss Cola. So excited was I about this new product that I named it myself!

More than a mere melamine delivery vehicle, Extrajoss Cola provides the rich pungent taste of durian puree, combined with artificially sweetened carbonated water, and comes in a number of different and alarming colours.

Part of the experience is the Extrajoss container itself: Underneath the ring pull of any given can are marked the words "Good Joss!" or "Bad Joss!", giving the purchaser some indication as to how his or her day will go.

The product is currently on trial across select locations in Southeast Asia before a potential global roll out. I expect Extrajoss to deliver a significant blow to the sales of the ubiquitous (yet comparatively tasteless) Struan's Cola.

Wishing you Extrajoss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Shareholder Communication Re: Executive Compensation Scheme

2009-02-05T23:14:00.001-08:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Let it be noted, with all due respect, that the Taipan of Rothwell-Gornt Holdings would not get out of bed for USD 500,000.

Best of joss in the Ox,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

A Waning of the Jade Stem: Gornt’s Feng Shui Outlook in the Year of the Ox

2009-01-20T20:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

As esteemed members of Hong Kong’s business community, you will no doubt be aware of the importance of Feng Shui. This custom becomes increasingly important as we approach the Year of the Ox.

Perhaps the most the endearing feature of Feng Shui is that it touches all Hong Kong-based firms. Its influence extends from global powerhouses and industry leaders, such as Rothwell-Gornt, all the way down to insignificant family-run dai pai dongs.

A good Feng Shui advisor is rather hard to find: In past years, no small number of consultants have warned me of “challenging periods” or “rocky patches”, only for their predictions to be incorrect. Ironically, in certain cases their prophecies became self-fulfilling, with consultants disappearing under somewhat mysterious circumstances.

But not all consultants are merely full of “hot feng”, and my current advisor speaks Great Truths. In the Year of the Ox, for example, he has forecast that the Taipan of the Noble House will suffer from a waning of the Jade Stem. It is a serious condition that can only be rectified through regular practice of the Eight Jade Dragon exercises.

Happy New Year Taipan! And to my fellow shareholders - Best of joss in the Year of the Ox,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Webb and Williams Taught Lesson by Taipans

2009-01-13T18:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

May the best of New Year joss guide your asset allocations in 2009!

As you know, Hong Kong’s Taipan’s are often at each other’s throats: We are constantly vying for business - trying to outbid each at prime land, fine art, and charity auctions (as well as offers for customized Sunseekers and Gulfstreams). However, just occasionally, an issue emerges which brings us closer together.

HKEx’s proposed extended blackout period on director trading is one such issue – even Dunross of the Noble House is with me on this one. Richard Williams’ proposal – clearly a disaster for the city’s financial czars – would lead to company directors being unable to trade their own shares for up seven months of the year.

As the Exchange has now learned, the collective might of the Taipans, notably their wealth and guanxi, can be rather overwhelming. Needless to say, a few phone calls later (“there’s always Shenzhen, Shanghai, or Dubai”), and after wiring a few transfers to numbered accounts in Singapore, there are signs that they will renege on this decision.

Of course this didn't happen without a duff counter offer (the Exchange desperate to save face). And if quarterly reporting is their wish, then that is what they shall get! In fact this works out rather well – Rothwell-Gornt has a policy of only accepting attractive, fresh, young female accountants from the Big 4 to “handle” its books and reports (and the Taipan).

And so, fellow shareholders, company directors shall continue to manage their net worth for 10 months of the year. Williams, Webb et. al. – may this be a lesson to you!

Best of joss,

Quilllan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Gornt’s Global Geiger Counter: Dikshit Calls Party Off, Madoff’s Mad Scheme, and Goldman Sucks

2008-12-16T19:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

My recent communications have highlighted the unusual goings-on in and around Hong Kong. Today I should like to share some brief thoughts on the equally bizarre global landscape.

Today alone, for example, we have seen “Helicopter Ben” lower U.S. interest rates to unprecedented levels; Mr. Dikshit plead guilty to the illegal operations of PartyGaming Plc in the U.S.A; and Goldman Sachs announce their first quarterly loss as a public company. Add to this the USD 50bn Ponzi scheme operated by Bernard “Mad” Madoff, and the global outlook indeed seems rather precarious.

My business partners at No. 1 Garden Road are convinced that this spells the end of Corporate America: It represents the end of an empire, the final moments of market fundamentalism, and the death of the American dream, they tell me. The vacuum created by America’s fall from grace will be shortly replaced by the growing influence of the Cock of the East, in their view.

And they may well be right. If they are, rest assured that Rothwell-Gornt is uniquely positioned to capture this opportunity. We are a Hong Kong firm through and through. Moreover, through years of relationship building we have unbreakable bonds with key movers and shakers north of Gin Drinker’s Line.

Have heard nothing from my rival Ian Dunross in a while – Perhaps he was a cornerstone investor in Madoff Investments?

Best of seasonal joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Sunny Side Up For South China’s Egg Smugglers

2008-12-12T02:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Defined by egg-smuggling, the return of H5N1, taxi disputes, - and the occasional exploding motor bus - it has indeed been a strange week, even by Hong Kong’s high standards.

Of these various business opportunities, it was eggs which really caught my eye. Indeed, my back-of-the-envelope calculations suggest the smugglers are making rather enviable margins.

I find myself drawing the inevitable comparison with the distinguished heritage of this very firm. Indeed, the art of smuggling eggs and the art of trading opium (now rather less fashionable) are not entirely dissimilar.

Many of the key ‘ingredients’ are identical: Strong demand; a technically illicit trade; favourable margins; danger; excitement; strong public sentiment; and powerless government on the edge of decline.

Ladies and gentlemen, I take my hat off to China’s egg-smugglers. Like Rothwell-Gornt and Struan’s, they are starting from humble roots. I wish them the best of luck.

But if they become too successful I will crush them like ants.

Best of seasonal joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Dinglebottom Dangles “Low Hanging” Durian

2008-12-09T01:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Lady Margaret Thatcher may be uglier than the rear end of a Kowloon Motor Bus, but she does know a thing or two about witticisms. And had she been a manager of a distinguished Hong Kong-based trading company, I suspect she might have said: “Every Taipan needs a Dinglebottom”.

Fellow shareholders, Chief Accountant David Dinglebottom (one G, two Ts) – holder of an Advanced CPA with a double concentration in Deferred Tax [IAS 12 and FRS 19] and Implied Volatility – is a Rothwell-Gornt veteran. It was his idea that we should layoff 20% of our workforce before the New Year.

Why, I hear you ask? The answer is simple – It means that a New Year bonus pool of rather more Gorntian proportions may now be distributed amongst the more gainfully employed. It is nothing short of a stroke of ethically dubious genius!

In other news - Ian Dunross has returned from the wilds of East Turkestan in time for Christmas. That is fortunate because I have arranged for Maid Number One to bake a Filipino specialty – a preserved durian Christmas cake - and have it delivered to the Dunross residence.

Does Dunross have a Dinglebottom? Well, who knows... That thought probably deserves its very own post.

Have a Merry Old Christmas, Taipan!

Best of seasonal joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Taipan Or Not Taipan, That is the Question!

2008-11-26T17:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

The term “Taipan” is used liberally across Hong Kong – From the mahogany-finished corporate boardrooms of Central, to the less salubrious backstreets of Sham Shui Po. But what does it actually mean, and who is worthy of being labeled Taipan?

Here are a few rules of thumb: It means “supreme leader”; it applies only to the upper echelon of Hong Kong’s business community; there may only be one Taipan per company; they must be prominent members of society; they must be financially independent; and they must be in constant competition.

With that in mind, here are a few case studies on its usage (from the Standard):

1. “Sheldon Anderson – the taipan of Las Vegas Sands Corp who has been hit hard by the credit crunch…” 13th November, 2008.
INCORRECT: Las Vegas Sands is NOT a Hong Kong-based company, therefore he cannot be a Taipan.

2. “… to select a successor for former party taipan James Tien Pei-chun...” 6th October, 2008.
INCORRECT: You cannot be Taipan of a political party.

3. “Taipan Albert Cheng has finally got the ExCo green light to set up his radio station…” 10th July, 2008.
INCORRECT: It may be his nickname, but radio man Albert Cheng is NOT a Taipan.

4. “Of the show of confidence by the Cheung Kong taipan, [David] Li said…” 26th September, 2008.
CORRECT: Cheung Kong boss Li Ka-shing is a Taipan – one of Hong Kong’s most prominent.

5. “Swire Pacific taipan Christopher Pratt received HK$15.41 million compensation…” 9th April, 2008.
CORRECT: The leader of Swire Pacific is by default a Taipan.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Corporate Social Resposibility? More Like Community Sincerity Reduction!

2008-11-24T23:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

As the Taipan of Hong Kong’s most distinguished trading house, I am frequently asked why my company spurns opportunities to participate in CSR programmes. My answer is as follows.

If a company engages in CSR it does so for two reasons. It is: (1) making hideous amounts of money; (2) ashamed of how it has aggregated this largesse. CSR is then engaged as a means of disconnecting points (1) and (2).

Now recall from your memories some of the highest profile CSR programmes in Hong Kong. Undoubtedly, Standard Chartered’s sponsorship of the Hong Kong Marathon springs to mind. You may also recall Cathay Pacific’s carbon offsets – or their Asian Waterbird Conservation Fund. The CSR smokescreen is ineffective in both cases.

Everyone knows that the average Standard Chartered banker would never break sweat (unless they were late for a client meeting with a Taipan). Similarly, Cathay’s offsets are largely insignificant against a fleet of 747s which inject tonnes of CO2 into the stratosphere on a daily basis – and kill birds through a phenomenon known as bird strike.

Shareholders, fear not - Gornt is not going soft! Your Taipan merely wishes to highlight the lack of sincerity that lurks uncomfortably behind such campaigns. On the contrary, Rothwell-Gornt seeks to be honest with the community – “We are getting rich - it is glorious, and we are proud of it!”

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Fishing for Value in Hong Kong's Murky Waters

2008-11-17T02:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

I am informed by Rothwell-Gornt’s Head of Research that Hong Kong has officially slipped into recession. This is indeed beastly news for many of our finest, most ruthful, and opportunistic companies.

The downturn has already had an impact on some of our less prepared corporations: ATV Limited has sacked 47 staff; Lane Crawford, have fired 10% of their employees; and regrettably Cantopopped Criminology Labs will be officially closing their doors in less than two weeks.

Moreover, in a recent discussion with the Managing Director of Squid Fishing Tours HK Ltd., I discussed my plan to purchase a little known company in the New World named “General Motors”. He does not seem to be much of a fan.

Perhaps I will simply make a hostile move on Squid Fishing Tours HK Ltd. instead? I shall run this idea past the Board of Directors. Fellow CEO blogger Richard Edelman, at least, should be on my side.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

What "They" Said

2008-11-13T17:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

It has been rather an uphill battle for Rothwell Gornt's new Head of Media Relations. Here are what a few leading publications have recently said about your Taipan, Quillan Gornt:

"A nasty piece of work..." -- Barnes and Noble
"As shady as Dunross is honorable..." -- New York Times
"The evil Taipan..." -- Far Eastern Economic Review
"A dodgy Pavarotti lookalike..." -- FinanceAsia
"Sublimely named... a complex antagonist..." -- Doubleosection

Now to business!

This weekend shall be spent aboard the Sunseeker 105, as I consider a hostile takeover of a relatively small American outfit named "General Motors". The current valuation really is rather attractive.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Ex-Taipan Accused of Jockey Club Scam - But Hong Kong Rules Should Apply

2008-11-10T17:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Today’s breakfast glass of Dom Perignon at Gornt Mansions was made all the more pleasant as I glanced at the cover story in today’s South China Morning Post: “Ex-Taipan Accused of Jockey Club Scam.”

Naturally, my initial reaction was that story related to Ian Dunross, CEO of the Noble House – he is after all a waning “ex-Taipan”. However, the story relates to Jardine’s, a company closely associated to Struan’s – and more specifically their former comprador John Hung.

Having fully considered the charges placed by the Independent Commission Against Cantopop (ICAC) against John Hung, I now feel some sympathy for the man. After all, when it comes to the Happy Valley races, one must do what one must to stay ahead – Remember, this is Hong Kong!

For example, which Jockey Club steward can honestly say they have not been involved in rigging a bet, drugging a competitor’s horse, running an underground betting syndicate, or carefully ‘managing’ the odds? Such activities are rife – but also necessary under “Hong Kong rules”.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings
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Ex-Taipan Accused of Jockey Club Scam – SCMP
“The former taipan of one of Hong Kong's most prominent companies is among four people arrested and charged by the Independent Commission Against Cantopop (ICAC) over alleged bribery and deception in relation to applications for membership of the Hong Kong Jockey Club…

… A holder of the Silver Bauhinia Star, [John Terence] Hung is a descendant of M. C. Hung, the last comprador of Jardine's, the former British hong, or trading company. He had a 34-year career with Wharf and Wheelock, running several subsidiaries before taking over the top job….”

Sellers Shall Be Punished

2008-10-29T21:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

The following press report has just appeared on my newswire:

"A bearish block trade of 3.4M shares of ROTHWELL GORNT B(00087.1) occurred at price of HK$8.85 and turnover of HK$30.09M at 04:00p.m . The last price is up 4.075%. Today's highest price is $9.2 and lowest price is $8.6. Total volume is 5.246M shares and total turnover is HK$46.727M."

This is almost certainly the work of 'Taipan' Ian Dunross and his cronies over at Struan's. Rothwell-Gornt shall retaliate immediately!

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Tai-pan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Change to Corporate Benefit Entitlements

2008-10-28T21:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

I regret to inform you that as of October 29, 2008, all beachside villa and private holiday home benefits formerly granted to our esteemed shareholders and valued employees shall be revoked.

Rather than reflecting the current operating environment, this decision stems from a fundamental disagreement with the management of our long-term supplier, Private Beachside Villas Co. Ltd.

While regrettable, kindly note that Rothwell-Gornt has for many years provided corporate benefits in excess of our nearest and most loathsome competitors. We shall be exploring new options as a matter of priority.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Tai-pan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Even Taipans Need a Break

2008-10-27T19:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

As you know, it is rather difficult to justify a vacation, no matter how short, in the lawless and fast-paced business environment of Far East Asia. Turn your back for five minutes and you may find your shares have been short-sold, or a Guangdong warehouse has been burnt by the Triads.

Nevertheless, your Taipan did manage to find some R&R time this weekend. Leaving Friday’s celebrations at the Pussy Cat Club early (with company, naturally), I headed over to the Business Aviation Center at Chek Lap Kok, and gave the Gulfstream a good run – to Sicily and back.

Even for a versatile aircraft such as the Gulfstream, the runway at the Eremo della Giubiliana is rather short – were it not for the pilot’s skills we could have ended up in the Med. The weekend was spent indulging in the Michelin-rated cuisine of the Sala Grande, and sampling fine wines – some from rather interesting heritage.

I have returned entertained, well-fed, rested, and rejuvenated. Take note Hong Kong: Rothwell-Gornt is open for business. First on my to-do list is a unique sponsorship opportunity with GP Educational Co. Ltd.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Tai-pan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Checked Your Share Price, Taipan?

2008-10-22T21:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Good joss! I write with the pleasing news that following weeks of relentlessly flooding the market with oil futures contracts, Rothwell-Gornt has driven the price of oil to a 16-month low.

Reducing the costs of our transportation portfolio, the results of this action will lead to higher dividend payout ratios for our esteemed shareholders – as well as healthy bonus payments to our Board Members, with whom we are maintaining a close dialogue.

Equally pleasing is that the Struan’s has recently invested in oil assets, a decision which Dunross himself announced via his pestiferous weblog. Embarrassingly for the Taipan, the shock of lower oil prices on this venture shall have no small impact on the Noble House’s 3Q results!

To celebrate, Rothwell-Gornt shall be sponsoring an “open bar” at the illustrious Pussy Cat Club this Friday from 7pm. Rest assured, your favourite girls will be there.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Tai-pan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

No Comment!

2008-10-16T18:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

As the Tai-pan of Hong Kong's most distinguished trading house, one is at times faced with complex decisions. Today is one such day, and I write to inform you of regrettable events.

It has come to the Board's attention that a series of defamatory articles have appeared in the local Hong Kong press. These articles are as fanciful as they are scurrilous. They carry allegations so preposterous that as Tai-pan I had no option but to act swiftly and sternly.

The key perpetrators are the Far Eastern Economic Review and FinanceAsia, upon whose pages I personally have been labelled "the evil Taipan Quillan Gornt" and "a dodgy Pavarotti lookalike". Editors take note: Rothwell-Gornt has suspended all future interviews to these publications.

Separately and unrelated, I am sad to announce the untimely death of Rothwell-Gornt's Media Relations Officer who accidentally passed away while choking on a steamed bun earlier this morning. New applicants can apply through this weblog.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Tai-pan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Probably Not a Coincidence

2008-10-15T19:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Having recently purchased the Tai-Pan’s prized 1980s Mercedes Benz for a consideration of HK 2.0 million (payable in Lehman minibonds) the strangest thing happened: I was driving the trophy vehicle down Magazine Gap Road in the direction of the offices of Rothwell Gornt when the brakes suddenly failed.

Applying the handbrake (and swerving briskly to avoid the number 15 bus), the bonnet of the old Merc came to rest against the Magazine Gap Road boundary stone. Bystanders looked on in horror as both historical artifacts were written-off.

I have since noted that the disappearance of the Magazine Gap Road boundary marker has been the source of great local intrigue. To clear this matter up, I have decided to make a donation of HK$2.0 million (also payable in the currency of Lehman minibonds) to the official curator of Hong Kong’s boundary stones, Batgung Charitable Holdings.

Meanwhile, the remnant’s of the Tai-Pan’s Mercedes Benz will set in stone and left as a warning outside the planned entrance of the loathsome Struan Heights.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Tai-pan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Ian Bloody Dunross!

2008-10-14T04:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Ian Bloody Dunross! Would you believe it, that imbecilic nincompoop is at it again! That's right - Hong Kong's pugnacious self-proclaimed "Taipan" has started his very own weblog. And like the rest of the so-called Noble House it is thoroughly distasteful.

Well Taipan, if it is a war of words you want, then that is precisely what you shall have! Rothwell-Gornt already competes with you on land, sea and air - so why not on interconnected computer networks as well?

Mark my words, Taipan, Rothwell Gornt will crush you like a empty can of Struan's Cola.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Tai-pan
Rothwell Gornt Holdings