The SCMP Responds

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

My delectable young secretary Ebola Choi recently received the following repsonse from the South China Morning Post:

Dear Mr Gornt,

... I need to check your name. I am assuming this is a pseudonym, given that Quillan Gornt is a character in the novel Taipan. If so, this letter must run under your real name.

Regards,
Letters Editor

Damn and blast this publication. It is more pestilent that the loathsome Noble House itself. Along with Dunross, they shall be sold short in tomorrow's trading.

Best of seasonal joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell Gornt Holdings

Gornt Writes to the SCMP

Dear Editor,

I have been shocked, distressed and angry in equal measure with the views shared by two fellow expatriates in yesterday’s [today's] letters section.

In his letter, (“Cultural Mix”) Mike Brooks remarks in a tone reminiscent of a fallen Tai-pan that the “Hong Kong Chinese way” does not work, that Hong Kong’s international city hallmark vindicates any decision not to learn Chinese, and that Hong Kong’s greatest misfortune was that the British left.

Peter Sherwood (“Behind France”), meanwhile, makes an outlandish comparison between Hong Kong and a Pyrenean village following a recent sojourn to the French mountains. He notes that food is cheaper and that the French have superior recycling facilities.

While Brooks’ opinions are both antiquated and unseemly, Sherwood’s obscure correlation is completely asinine (I am surprised he didn’t mention air quality!). The solution to what some call “irritable gweilo syndrome” is straightforward - if Hong Kong is no longer good enough for you, you may leave.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
The Peak

Rothwell-Gornt To Launch Alternative Investments

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

As I entertained a curious mixture of Hong Kong’s most pecunious, slender, and incorruptible tycoons, elite escorts, and public officials at a “Taipan reception” at Gornt Mansions last night, a number of my esteemed guests inquired as to what I have been doing with my spare time now the Jockey Club has entered the off-season.

The answer, of course, is preparing for a successful 2010 season. More specifically, having succumbed to Dunross’ Noble Man on more than one occasion, my previous steed - Pilot Fish - has been turned to glue. In keeping with Rothwell-Gornt’s strong record in sustainability, he has been "repackaged" into a composite building material and flogged to a two-bit real estate developer in Guangzhou.

As you are aware, Hong Kong’s searing summers are not only too hot for horses, they are also uncomfortable for humans (and Taipans). My usual outdoor activities – such as pleasure boating, or sipping Mouton Rothschild on the balcony at Sevva – are no longer appropriate in this climate, and instead my Wednesday evenings are now being used to experiment with new options.

Indeed, thanks to Hong Kong’s increasingly cosmopolitan society, I have tried my hand at yoga, something called “stretch”, and even hip-hop dancing. The latter is the perfect excuse to don my tight “Rothwell-Gornt” custom-branded lyrca leggings and pop socks, and prance around to music by Lil Wayne, who’s not half bad in my view.

What is the point of all this, you may ask? Well, fellow shareholders, I spy an investment opportunity. Without giving away my precise business plan, one could, for example, purchase a group of these businesses, bundle them together, launch them on the exchange, and then market them as “alternative assets”. Yoga as an asset class – who would have thought it!

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Happy Birthday, Taipan!

Exhibit: The Sinking of The Flying Cloud, the Pride of Struans'

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Today marks the birthday of my loathsome, plucky adversary, Ian Dunross. As such I would like to convey an especially important, high priority message.

During his captaincy of the Noble House, it is well-known that Dunross has scuppered many of my best laid-plans: hostile takeovers have been thwarted; applications to the Board of Stewards at the Jockey Club have been repeatedly declined; and while pained to admit it, the Taipan’s panache, enduring boyish looks, and cocky swagger ensure that he wins with women every time.

Annoying as this is, this spirit of competition is of course enshrined within Hong Kong Rules. Indeed, over many years of shenanigans, this has developed into symbiotic relationship whereby I need Dunross, and Dunross needs me. For example, if Dunross perished in a typhoon - like Dirk before him - whose shares would I chose to short-sell as I enjoyed my morning latte? Similarly, if I disappeared in a freak boating accident, whose brakes would Dunross chose to bugger when he throws a dinner party?

Testament to the goodwill inherent in Rothwell-Gornt, I should therefore like to take this opportunity to extend an olive branch and wish the Taipan a very happy birthday. In keeping with tradition, the employees of Rothwell-Gornt have once again demonstrated their appreciation by collectively purchasing a rather unique present (kindly forfeiting their annual bonuses in the process). This year they have commissioned a striking oil colour depicting the sinking of the Flying Cloud – one of Struans’ finest ships, lost in a storm a couple of decades ago.

I trust the Taipan will find room for this tasteful gift in his boardroom. Again, happy birthday, Taipan – and a pox on you and your lousy firm!

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Taipan Thursday Terminates in Tantrum

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

As any player with economies of scale would know, one of the great shortcomings of the Happy Valley Races is that you cannot short-sell your opponent's horse. It is a tactic that would have come in useful at last Thursday's meet.

Dunross - now back in Hong Kong - challenged me to "Taipan Thursday" at the races. The parameters were straightforward: HK$20 million in each pot, Hong Kong Rules apply. I simply could not refuse as Dunross' own horse - Noble Man - was running in Race 8, no doubt be the decider.

Dropsy Wong, my personal assistant, arranged for a car to the races. As a man of the people, I then stood track-side and committed HK$20 million of Rothwell-Gornt's own money, confident in my abilities as a proprietary trader. High above, in the safety of Jockey Club Stewards box, I could see the familiar figure of I.S. Dunross, Taipan of the Noble House, looking down.

Betting started in Race 3. Both Dunross and I went in cautiously, with Dunross taking the early spoils - a meagre HK550,000. In Race 4, Dunross spread his bets across no less than six horses - the risk averse investment thesis of Struan's all too apparent. His tactic didn't work, and I evened the tally with a HK$500,000 win.

By Race 5, the stakes - and the risks - were getting higher. I opted for an ambitious quinella, which backfired, while the Taipan also had bad luck. We racked up over HK$5 million in losses between us. The turning point came in Race 6 - my losses of HK$400,000 comparing favourably to Dunross' HK$3 million expense. In Race 7 I capitalised on my already strong position with a famous HK$9.65 million win - my best performance this year.

As things stood, by Race 8 - our final round - my pot stood at HK$26.75 million, the Taipan's below HK$17 million. Standing on the terrance, Dunross gave me a secret hand sign - "all in Taipan", it said. We committed our remaining stakes. The race was going my way until the final furlong. From the back of the field, Noble Man staged an impressive sprint to take second place, and Dunross had won big. A replay can be seen here.

The final standings were: Gornt down HK$3.75million, Dunross up HK$5.8 million. My loss shall be disclosed in Rothwell-Gornt's Interim Report as "Miscellaneous Expenses".

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

PS - If anyone from the Hong Kong Jockey Club is reading, I am still awaiting my invitation to the Board of Stewards.

Hanoi Hilton for Dunross and Co.

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

My sincere apologies for not communicating with you sooner!

As you might expect I have been preoccupied, unable to tear myself away from the realtime market data supplied my customised 18 carat gold engraved “Taipan QG” Bloomberg terminal. The Hang Seng, you see, has rallied, restoring my previously undervalued net worth and boosting the market capitalisation of this esteemed firm to pre-crunch levels.

As much as I hate to be the one to dampen your euphoric spirits, I must warn you of a potential suspension of trading, and a short-term correction to Rothwell Gornt shares. This action is based on rumours that Ian Dunross will be returning to Hong Kong in coming weeks. The market is already awash with disruptive and false rumours of a Noble House takeover.

The purpose of the Taipan’s visit is essentially benign: he is coming for the Annual General Meeting - originally scheduled in Koh Samui - while also spending a few days in Hong Kong. As a practical joke, I have acquired a minority stake in Struan’s in his absence. Using my voting rights, I have changed the location of the AGM from “Koh Samueee” (as the Taipan says), to Hanoi, Vietnam. The Taipan seems to be the last person on earth not to know about this.

Activism indeed! David Webb would be proud.

In the meantime, I have asked my secretary, the delectable Urethra Chan, to ensure that the Taipan’s flights are changed accordingly – that he flies economy class from Hong Kong to Hanoi in accordance with Noble House regulations (less than 3 hours for business) – and that he be delivered a gluten intolerant vegan lacto-ovo meal during the journey. In Hong Kong, I have kindly offered to pay for his accomodation in a suite at the Metropark Hotel, Wan Chai.

See you in Hanoi, Dunross!

Best of bull market joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Gornt Does Amsterdam

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Your Taipan has spent the past few days in Amsterdam. By coincidence, I am not the only owner of a Hong Kong weblog to be in this fine city - Lola Voyages Entreprises has also been spending a few days in the Venice of the North. Sadly we did not spend it together. Had I known earlier, I would have invited her for a cruise along the canals aboard my Sunseeker. It is a trip that few young ladies can refuse!

Now to business. I am afraid to report that Rothwell-Gornt's most loathsome competitor, "Struan's" - also known as the Noble House - has developed a sizeable and rapidly expanding business empire in Europe's lowlands. Their brand is ubiquitous - from XXX titles which I noticed whilst strolling innocently around Amsterdam's Red Light District (Knoble Knobs, Stuan's Shemales III, Struan's Strap-ons, and so on) - to quaint side streets as far away as the Hague.



It may come as no surprise that Dunross has also invested heavily in Amsterdam's "coffee shops". The margins for legal recreational drugs may not be as lucrative as those of opium in the days of Dirk Struan and Tyler Brock - but they still seem interesting enough for the Taipan to be involved.

While the Noble House's relative strength in this market is of some concern, we can take heart that Dunross appears to have been heavily affected by Holland's liberal attitude to both drugs and sex. His new look seems unlikely to inspire great confidence amongst Europe's business elite.



Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO & Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Rats and Rabbits! – Plot Perdu at Paris Auction

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

My failure to secure the winning bid for the Chinese “Rat and Rabbit” bronze sculptures at the Collection Yves Saint Laurent et Pierre Berge auction in Paris last week has left me feeling rather deflated.

At first, my esteemed shareholders, I was red with rage! The very moment that Cai Mingchao’s combined 31.5 million euro offer was accepted, I leapt from my chair, and flung my Collector’s Guide across the auction hall - narrowly missing delicate Lot 21. I then burst out of Christie’s and stomped furiously down Av. Matignon, where I found a small café in which to drown my sorrows.

Several bottles of vin du jour later, I found myself staggering drunkenly around Paris’ huitième arrondissement. Eventually I managed to regain my senses and return my suite at the Ritz – but not until after being cautioned by a gendarme for urinating at the intersection of Av. Franklin D. Roosevelt and Av. Des Champs-Elysees.

Regrettably that anger has now transcended into a deep depression - you see I had flown from Hong Kong with the sole intention of acquiring these works of art. Indeed, my eyes had been trained on the two treasures for some time - the Rat (for all its rodent and vermin-like qualities) reminds me of Ian Dunross, while the Rabbit has strangely Gorntian features.

They were to be placed in Rothwell-Gornt’s Boardroom – a stark reminder of the bitter struggle between Hong Kong’s two greatest conglomerates. Instead, their future now hangs in the balance, having been “bought” by an undercover agent of the Chinese National Treasures Fund.

I don’t think I have felt this depressed since my failed takeover of Struan’s in the mid-1980s. But at least I wasn’t outbid by Dunross. Now that would have been unbearable!

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Rothwell Gornt’s 2009 Investment Strategy: Real Estate, Real Estate, Real Estate

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Rothwell-Gornt is pleased to announce to 2009 investment strategy. Steering clear of equities and fixed income products (particularly minibonds) – hallmarks of recent years – I am delighted to announce that the firm will embark upon a more traditional yet equally profitably route: Real estate.

Our investment thesis is that property prices have declined dramatically in recent months, representing a good buying opportunity. Properties on the Peak, in particular, declined some 41% in the final quarter of 2009 - “the biggest on record in Hong Kong’s luxury property market,” Peter Marlowe writes in the Taipan Times (yes - he's still on the go!).

Symbolic of our ambitions in this sector, I plan to kick-start the investment programme with an audacious hostile takeover of one of Hong Kong’s most prestigious addresses – the Noble House Peak Mansion. The property has been sitting idle ever since the Tai-Pan left for Holland. With Dunross still distracted by nano-scale petrochemical deals, the timing for a trophy takeover may never have been better.

Right, time for an Extrajoss Cola – I feel my melamine levels reaching dangerously low levels.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
Taipan and CEO
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Extrajoss: Coming To a Store Near You!

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

I am delighted to inform you of the successful launch of the latest product offering in Rothwell-Gornt's consumer beverage line - Extrajoss Cola. So excited was I about this new product that I named it myself!














More than a mere melamine delivery vehicle, Extrajoss Cola provides the rich pungent taste of durian puree, combined with artificially sweetened carbonated water, and comes in a number of different and alarming colours.

Part of the experience is the Extrajoss container itself: Underneath the ring pull of any given can are marked the words "Good Joss!" or "Bad Joss!", giving the purchaser some indication as to how his or her day will go.














The product is currently on trial across select locations in Southeast Asia before a potential global roll out. I expect Extrajoss to deliver a significant blow to the sales of the ubiquitous (yet comparatively tasteless) Struan's Cola.

Wishing you Extrajoss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Shareholder Communication Re: Executive Compensation Scheme

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Let it be noted, with all due respect, that the Taipan of Rothwell-Gornt Holdings would not get out of bed for USD 500,000.

Best of joss in the Ox,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

A Waning of the Jade Stem: Gornt’s Feng Shui Outlook in the Year of the Ox

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

As esteemed members of Hong Kong’s business community, you will no doubt be aware of the importance of Feng Shui. This custom becomes increasingly important as we approach the Year of the Ox.

Perhaps the most the endearing feature of Feng Shui is that it touches all Hong Kong-based firms. Its influence extends from global powerhouses and industry leaders, such as Rothwell-Gornt, all the way down to insignificant family-run dai pai dongs.

A good Feng Shui advisor is rather hard to find: In past years, no small number of consultants have warned me of “challenging periods” or “rocky patches”, only for their predictions to be incorrect. Ironically, in certain cases their prophecies became self-fulfilling, with consultants disappearing under somewhat mysterious circumstances.

But not all consultants are merely full of “hot feng”, and my current advisor speaks Great Truths. In the Year of the Ox, for example, he has forecast that the Taipan of the Noble House will suffer from a waning of the Jade Stem. It is a serious condition that can only be rectified through regular practice of the Eight Jade Dragon exercises.

Happy New Year Taipan! And to my fellow shareholders - Best of joss in the Year of the Ox,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Webb and Williams Taught Lesson by Taipans

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

May the best of New Year joss guide your asset allocations in 2009!

As you know, Hong Kong’s Taipan’s are often at each other’s throats: We are constantly vying for business - trying to outbid each at prime land, fine art, and charity auctions (as well as offers for customized Sunseekers and Gulfstreams). However, just occasionally, an issue emerges which brings us closer together.

HKEx’s proposed extended blackout period on director trading is one such issue – even Dunross of the Noble House is with me on this one. Richard Williams’ proposal – clearly a disaster for the city’s financial czars – would lead to company directors being unable to trade their own shares for up seven months of the year.

As the Exchange has now learned, the collective might of the Taipans, notably their wealth and guanxi, can be rather overwhelming. Needless to say, a few phone calls later (“there’s always Shenzhen, Shanghai, or Dubai”), and after wiring a few transfers to numbered accounts in Singapore, there are signs that they will renege on this decision.

Of course this didn't happen without a duff counter offer (the Exchange desperate to save face). And if quarterly reporting is their wish, then that is what they shall get! In fact this works out rather well – Rothwell-Gornt has a policy of only accepting attractive, fresh, young female accountants from the Big 4 to “handle” its books and reports (and the Taipan).

And so, fellow shareholders, company directors shall continue to manage their net worth for 10 months of the year. Williams, Webb et. al. – may this be a lesson to you!

Best of joss,

Quilllan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings