Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Sellers Shall Be Punished

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

The following press report has just appeared on my newswire:

"A bearish block trade of 3.4M shares of ROTHWELL GORNT B(00087.1) occurred at price of HK$8.85 and turnover of HK$30.09M at 04:00p.m . The last price is up 4.075%. Today's highest price is $9.2 and lowest price is $8.6. Total volume is 5.246M shares and total turnover is HK$46.727M."

This is almost certainly the work of 'Taipan' Ian Dunross and his cronies over at Struan's. Rothwell-Gornt shall retaliate immediately!

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Tai-pan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Change to Corporate Benefit Entitlements

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

I regret to inform you that as of October 29, 2008, all beachside villa and private holiday home benefits formerly granted to our esteemed shareholders and valued employees shall be revoked.

Rather than reflecting the current operating environment, this decision stems from a fundamental disagreement with the management of our long-term supplier, Private Beachside Villas Co. Ltd.

While regrettable, kindly note that Rothwell-Gornt has for many years provided corporate benefits in excess of our nearest and most loathsome competitors. We shall be exploring new options as a matter of priority.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Tai-pan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Monday, October 27, 2008

Even Taipans Need a Break

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

As you know, it is rather difficult to justify a vacation, no matter how short, in the lawless and fast-paced business environment of Far East Asia. Turn your back for five minutes and you may find your shares have been short-sold, or a Guangdong warehouse has been burnt by the Triads.

Nevertheless, your Taipan did manage to find some R&R time this weekend. Leaving Friday’s celebrations at the Pussy Cat Club early (with company, naturally), I headed over to the Business Aviation Center at Chek Lap Kok, and gave the Gulfstream a good run – to Sicily and back.

Even for a versatile aircraft such as the Gulfstream, the runway at the Eremo della Giubiliana is rather short – were it not for the pilot’s skills we could have ended up in the Med. The weekend was spent indulging in the Michelin-rated cuisine of the Sala Grande, and sampling fine wines – some from rather interesting heritage.

I have returned entertained, well-fed, rested, and rejuvenated. Take note Hong Kong: Rothwell-Gornt is open for business. First on my to-do list is a unique sponsorship opportunity with GP Educational Co. Ltd.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Tai-pan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Checked Your Share Price, Taipan?

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Good joss! I write with the pleasing news that following weeks of relentlessly flooding the market with oil futures contracts, Rothwell-Gornt has driven the price of oil to a 16-month low.

Reducing the costs of our transportation portfolio, the results of this action will lead to higher dividend payout ratios for our esteemed shareholders – as well as healthy bonus payments to our Board Members, with whom we are maintaining a close dialogue.

Equally pleasing is that the Struan’s has recently invested in oil assets, a decision which Dunross himself announced via his pestiferous weblog. Embarrassingly for the Taipan, the shock of lower oil prices on this venture shall have no small impact on the Noble House’s 3Q results!

To celebrate, Rothwell-Gornt shall be sponsoring an “open bar” at the illustrious Pussy Cat Club this Friday from 7pm. Rest assured, your favourite girls will be there.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Tai-pan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Thursday, October 16, 2008

No Comment!

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

As the Tai-pan of Hong Kong's most distinguished trading house, one is at times faced with complex decisions. Today is one such day, and I write to inform you of regrettable events.

It has come to the Board's attention that a series of defamatory articles have appeared in the local Hong Kong press. These articles are as fanciful as they are scurrilous. They carry allegations so preposterous that as Tai-pan I had no option but to act swiftly and sternly.

The key perpetrators are the Far Eastern Economic Review and FinanceAsia, upon whose pages I personally have been labelled "the evil Taipan Quillan Gornt" and "a dodgy Pavarotti lookalike". Editors take note: Rothwell-Gornt has suspended all future interviews to these publications.



Separately and unrelated, I am sad to announce the untimely death of Rothwell-Gornt's Media Relations Officer who accidentally passed away while choking on a steamed bun earlier this morning. New applicants can apply through this weblog.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Tai-pan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Probably Not a Coincidence

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Having recently purchased the Tai-Pan’s prized 1980s Mercedes Benz for a consideration of HK 2.0 million (payable in Lehman minibonds) the strangest thing happened: I was driving the trophy vehicle down Magazine Gap Road in the direction of the offices of Rothwell Gornt when the brakes suddenly failed.

Applying the handbrake (and swerving briskly to avoid the number 15 bus), the bonnet of the old Merc came to rest against the Magazine Gap Road boundary stone. Bystanders looked on in horror as both historical artifacts were written-off.

I have since noted that the disappearance of the Magazine Gap Road boundary marker has been the source of great local intrigue. To clear this matter up, I have decided to make a donation of HK$2.0 million (also payable in the currency of Lehman minibonds) to the official curator of Hong Kong’s boundary stones, Batgung Charitable Holdings.

Meanwhile, the remnant’s of the Tai-Pan’s Mercedes Benz will set in stone and left as a warning outside the planned entrance of the loathsome Struan Heights.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Tai-pan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Ian Bloody Dunross!

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Ian Bloody Dunross! Would you believe it, that imbecilic nincompoop is at it again! That's right - Hong Kong's pugnacious self-proclaimed "Taipan" has started his very own weblog. And like the rest of the so-called Noble House it is thoroughly distasteful.

Well Taipan, if it is a war of words you want, then that is precisely what you shall have! Rothwell-Gornt already competes with you on land, sea and air - so why not on interconnected computer networks as well?

Mark my words, Taipan, Rothwell Gornt will crush you like a empty can of Struan's Cola.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Tai-pan
Rothwell Gornt Holdings