Taipan Thursday Terminates in Tantrum

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

As any player with economies of scale would know, one of the great shortcomings of the Happy Valley Races is that you cannot short-sell your opponent's horse. It is a tactic that would have come in useful at last Thursday's meet.

Dunross - now back in Hong Kong - challenged me to "Taipan Thursday" at the races. The parameters were straightforward: HK$20 million in each pot, Hong Kong Rules apply. I simply could not refuse as Dunross' own horse - Noble Man - was running in Race 8, no doubt be the decider.

Dropsy Wong, my personal assistant, arranged for a car to the races. As a man of the people, I then stood track-side and committed HK$20 million of Rothwell-Gornt's own money, confident in my abilities as a proprietary trader. High above, in the safety of Jockey Club Stewards box, I could see the familiar figure of I.S. Dunross, Taipan of the Noble House, looking down.

Betting started in Race 3. Both Dunross and I went in cautiously, with Dunross taking the early spoils - a meagre HK550,000. In Race 4, Dunross spread his bets across no less than six horses - the risk averse investment thesis of Struan's all too apparent. His tactic didn't work, and I evened the tally with a HK$500,000 win.

By Race 5, the stakes - and the risks - were getting higher. I opted for an ambitious quinella, which backfired, while the Taipan also had bad luck. We racked up over HK$5 million in losses between us. The turning point came in Race 6 - my losses of HK$400,000 comparing favourably to Dunross' HK$3 million expense. In Race 7 I capitalised on my already strong position with a famous HK$9.65 million win - my best performance this year.

As things stood, by Race 8 - our final round - my pot stood at HK$26.75 million, the Taipan's below HK$17 million. Standing on the terrance, Dunross gave me a secret hand sign - "all in Taipan", it said. We committed our remaining stakes. The race was going my way until the final furlong. From the back of the field, Noble Man staged an impressive sprint to take second place, and Dunross had won big. A replay can be seen here.

The final standings were: Gornt down HK$3.75million, Dunross up HK$5.8 million. My loss shall be disclosed in Rothwell-Gornt's Interim Report as "Miscellaneous Expenses".

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

PS - If anyone from the Hong Kong Jockey Club is reading, I am still awaiting my invitation to the Board of Stewards.

Hanoi Hilton for Dunross and Co.

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

My sincere apologies for not communicating with you sooner!

As you might expect I have been preoccupied, unable to tear myself away from the realtime market data supplied my customised 18 carat gold engraved “Taipan QG” Bloomberg terminal. The Hang Seng, you see, has rallied, restoring my previously undervalued net worth and boosting the market capitalisation of this esteemed firm to pre-crunch levels.

As much as I hate to be the one to dampen your euphoric spirits, I must warn you of a potential suspension of trading, and a short-term correction to Rothwell Gornt shares. This action is based on rumours that Ian Dunross will be returning to Hong Kong in coming weeks. The market is already awash with disruptive and false rumours of a Noble House takeover.

The purpose of the Taipan’s visit is essentially benign: he is coming for the Annual General Meeting - originally scheduled in Koh Samui - while also spending a few days in Hong Kong. As a practical joke, I have acquired a minority stake in Struan’s in his absence. Using my voting rights, I have changed the location of the AGM from “Koh Samueee” (as the Taipan says), to Hanoi, Vietnam. The Taipan seems to be the last person on earth not to know about this.

Activism indeed! David Webb would be proud.

In the meantime, I have asked my secretary, the delectable Urethra Chan, to ensure that the Taipan’s flights are changed accordingly – that he flies economy class from Hong Kong to Hanoi in accordance with Noble House regulations (less than 3 hours for business) – and that he be delivered a gluten intolerant vegan lacto-ovo meal during the journey. In Hong Kong, I have kindly offered to pay for his accomodation in a suite at the Metropark Hotel, Wan Chai.

See you in Hanoi, Dunross!

Best of bull market joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Gornt Does Amsterdam

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Your Taipan has spent the past few days in Amsterdam. By coincidence, I am not the only owner of a Hong Kong weblog to be in this fine city - Lola Voyages Entreprises has also been spending a few days in the Venice of the North. Sadly we did not spend it together. Had I known earlier, I would have invited her for a cruise along the canals aboard my Sunseeker. It is a trip that few young ladies can refuse!

Now to business. I am afraid to report that Rothwell-Gornt's most loathsome competitor, "Struan's" - also known as the Noble House - has developed a sizeable and rapidly expanding business empire in Europe's lowlands. Their brand is ubiquitous - from XXX titles which I noticed whilst strolling innocently around Amsterdam's Red Light District (Knoble Knobs, Stuan's Shemales III, Struan's Strap-ons, and so on) - to quaint side streets as far away as the Hague.



It may come as no surprise that Dunross has also invested heavily in Amsterdam's "coffee shops". The margins for legal recreational drugs may not be as lucrative as those of opium in the days of Dirk Struan and Tyler Brock - but they still seem interesting enough for the Taipan to be involved.

While the Noble House's relative strength in this market is of some concern, we can take heart that Dunross appears to have been heavily affected by Holland's liberal attitude to both drugs and sex. His new look seems unlikely to inspire great confidence amongst Europe's business elite.



Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO & Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Rats and Rabbits! – Plot Perdu at Paris Auction

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

My failure to secure the winning bid for the Chinese “Rat and Rabbit” bronze sculptures at the Collection Yves Saint Laurent et Pierre Berge auction in Paris last week has left me feeling rather deflated.

At first, my esteemed shareholders, I was red with rage! The very moment that Cai Mingchao’s combined 31.5 million euro offer was accepted, I leapt from my chair, and flung my Collector’s Guide across the auction hall - narrowly missing delicate Lot 21. I then burst out of Christie’s and stomped furiously down Av. Matignon, where I found a small café in which to drown my sorrows.

Several bottles of vin du jour later, I found myself staggering drunkenly around Paris’ huitième arrondissement. Eventually I managed to regain my senses and return my suite at the Ritz – but not until after being cautioned by a gendarme for urinating at the intersection of Av. Franklin D. Roosevelt and Av. Des Champs-Elysees.

Regrettably that anger has now transcended into a deep depression - you see I had flown from Hong Kong with the sole intention of acquiring these works of art. Indeed, my eyes had been trained on the two treasures for some time - the Rat (for all its rodent and vermin-like qualities) reminds me of Ian Dunross, while the Rabbit has strangely Gorntian features.

They were to be placed in Rothwell-Gornt’s Boardroom – a stark reminder of the bitter struggle between Hong Kong’s two greatest conglomerates. Instead, their future now hangs in the balance, having been “bought” by an undercover agent of the Chinese National Treasures Fund.

I don’t think I have felt this depressed since my failed takeover of Struan’s in the mid-1980s. But at least I wasn’t outbid by Dunross. Now that would have been unbearable!

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Rothwell Gornt’s 2009 Investment Strategy: Real Estate, Real Estate, Real Estate

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Rothwell-Gornt is pleased to announce to 2009 investment strategy. Steering clear of equities and fixed income products (particularly minibonds) – hallmarks of recent years – I am delighted to announce that the firm will embark upon a more traditional yet equally profitably route: Real estate.

Our investment thesis is that property prices have declined dramatically in recent months, representing a good buying opportunity. Properties on the Peak, in particular, declined some 41% in the final quarter of 2009 - “the biggest on record in Hong Kong’s luxury property market,” Peter Marlowe writes in the Taipan Times (yes - he's still on the go!).

Symbolic of our ambitions in this sector, I plan to kick-start the investment programme with an audacious hostile takeover of one of Hong Kong’s most prestigious addresses – the Noble House Peak Mansion. The property has been sitting idle ever since the Tai-Pan left for Holland. With Dunross still distracted by nano-scale petrochemical deals, the timing for a trophy takeover may never have been better.

Right, time for an Extrajoss Cola – I feel my melamine levels reaching dangerously low levels.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
Taipan and CEO
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Extrajoss: Coming To a Store Near You!

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

I am delighted to inform you of the successful launch of the latest product offering in Rothwell-Gornt's consumer beverage line - Extrajoss Cola. So excited was I about this new product that I named it myself!














More than a mere melamine delivery vehicle, Extrajoss Cola provides the rich pungent taste of durian puree, combined with artificially sweetened carbonated water, and comes in a number of different and alarming colours.

Part of the experience is the Extrajoss container itself: Underneath the ring pull of any given can are marked the words "Good Joss!" or "Bad Joss!", giving the purchaser some indication as to how his or her day will go.














The product is currently on trial across select locations in Southeast Asia before a potential global roll out. I expect Extrajoss to deliver a significant blow to the sales of the ubiquitous (yet comparatively tasteless) Struan's Cola.

Wishing you Extrajoss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Shareholder Communication Re: Executive Compensation Scheme

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Let it be noted, with all due respect, that the Taipan of Rothwell-Gornt Holdings would not get out of bed for USD 500,000.

Best of joss in the Ox,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings