Stratton Oakmont Sets the Standard

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Martin Scorsese’s exalted production, The Wolf of Wall Street was like peering into the offices of Rothwell-Gornt itself. The motion picture left quite the impression on your Supreme Leader, along with many on our trading floor.

Amongst the film's uplifting moments – dwarves, Quaaludes, and a memorable scene featuring a Jade Gate spring to mind – it struck me that the Belfortian school of management would be quite apt for Hong Kong.

Assuming we can prise him from the halls of Harvard and Wharton, we must invite young Jordon to present at our 2014 Shareholder Meeting. I dare say a place on the Board may even be on the cards.

Best of joss in the year of the whores,

Quillan Gornt

CEO and Taipan

Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Merger Announced

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

“What in the name of the three Star Gods have you been doing?” demanded Lazarus Leung, just the other day. Distracted from mixing a Dalmore 62 Single Malt and Extrajoss Cola, I looked up to face the esteemed hong’s Director of Corporate Affairs. “Leave your weblog idle,” he said, “and Struan’s will think you’ve gone soft!”

Freshly poached from the Hong Kong Bank (along with a few stockbroker pals), Leung’s interjection indicates he still isn’t au fait with RG’s corporate culture.  “Look, Yeung,” I intoned. “The only thing that’s gone soft is the Taipan’s Jade Stem. Address me like that again and you’ll be cleaning Wah Hing Lane Public Toilet faster than you can say Diu Nei Lo—”

Joss alive! Perhaps the man has point?

Dismissing Leung with a wrathful flash of my eyes, I relax and stare out to where Lion Rock used to be. I  say used to be, because thanks to Struan’s latest real estate development, I can’t see it any more. Logging onto Rothwell-Gornt’s Intranet page, I realise I haven’t posted anything for four years (four – what an fornicating unlucky number!). Everything’s been a blur since I upped my intake of Dalmore Extrajoss.

But there’s more. Leung’s words have tripped a switch: my nemesis Ian Dunross is getting married! With the assistance of my sylphlike secretary, Taeniasis Wong, I locate the invitation on my desk. The sepia photograph depicts a man at ease. His hand is wrapped around the waist of a slender blonde, roughly his equal in height. He smiles through his pirate’s beard. The date is this weekend, the location Buckinghamshire (should I pack my snorkel?).

This, fellow shareholders, is sterling news. With his eye no longer on the markets - distracted by wedding preparations and other husbandly duties – now is an opportune time to strike. Sharpen your chopsticks, for we shall sell him short, unleash our most belligerent lawyers, and hammer him in the region’s press! Leung was right, what perfect timing to resurrect my weblog; I shall have the old boy promoted.

Now, the eighty-eight thousand dollar question: will you, Quillan Gornt, sworn blood enemy of Ian Dunross and the entire Noble House, attend the wedding? – Not in a thousand generations of Brocks.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt

CEO and Taipan

Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

Uncovered: PM’s Links to Ignoble Hong

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Allow me to first state that I hold little respect for “coalition government” - above all a sign of weakness. What, for example, would Rothwell-Gornt’s esteemed shareholders say to a proposed merger with the loathsome Struan’s? Over our dead bodies, one would hope!

The bottom line is that if you can’t beat, bribe, extort (or poison) your opposition, you don’t deserve to be Taipan - and in failing to achieve any of these, Mr Cameron made an unrecoverable mistake. Indeed within a local context (Hong Kong Rules), he simply would not have been able to succeed.

Rather interestingly, the PM did try - and presumably fail - to make it in Hong Kong in the mid-1980s. Indeed, his flaccid leadership style was spotted by the equally impotent Noble House, where for a period of three months he was employed as a Ship Jumper (see pg. 37). The position sounds like valuable training for a career in politics.

Upon further inspection, the PM’s ties to Struan’s are closer than your Taipan likes to admit. Like Dunross and his irksome predecessors, he also hails from upper crust Scottish ancestry – but more importantly his Great Grandfather was the Director of the Chartered Bank of India, Australia and China, a major beneficiary of the opium trade.

With Struan’s indirectly helping the PM’s family to become rich, a deplorable and incestuous relationship has thus taken shape. It is one that undeniably gives the Noble House the upper hand in government relations. We must therefore remain vigilant - for any movement in the regulatory landscape, any Prime Ministerial visits to the Far East, and any special favours that may ensue.

What we do not know is how the Noble House treated the PM over those three months - and this is the deal breaker. Did they teach him to work hard and invest wisely – or did they encourage him to squander his salary and bonus in the bars of Wan Chai or the races of Happy Valley?

Of particular interest are some of the Noble House's more unusual traditions. For example, during his own time as a young apprentice, Ian Dunross’ virginity was famously auctioned off at a local glamour club - with the bidding managed by the hong’s own Comprador! Let us hope Mr Cameron was at least treated with greater dignity.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

The Comprador's Code

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

During Rothwell-Gornt's 2010 Advisory Council Meeting, held at the Pussy Cat Club (Wanchai branch), ex-Comprador Tiberius Pong tactfully raised an unwelcome issue:

"If it is true that flies do not visit an egg which has no crack," he started, "then are we to assume the recent reports regarding Taipan Ho are perchance accurate?"

In fairness to Pong, he had by this stage imbibed a not inconsiderable volume of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild, the PCC's vin de table. The 1982 vintage is a delight, but in rather short supply.

I digress. My response was simple: "It was noted in Taipan Ho's statements to international press that there was absolutely no foundation in any suggestion that he is associated with organized crime or triads," I recalled from memory.

Emboldened by his drink, the red-faced ex-Comprador pushed on: "Yes Taipan, but as they say, the longer the explanation, the bigger the lie," he mumbled. His head dropped neatly into the lap of a delectable young hostess.

The Comprador's Code - a component of Hong Kong Rules - is the issue at stake. "At no stage should one conglomerate gossip about the legality of another's business," it states. And as Tai-pan of one of the more colourful hongs, it is a value I treasure.

Indeed, the roots of most hongs are intertwined with activities commonly perceived as reprehensible - this is true even of the glossy (yet loathsome) Noble House. But a larger issue is at stake - the odd weapons shipment here, the occasional oversight of a UN trade embargo there - which upstanding Hong Kong citizen cares about such trivialities anyway?

It is a great shame ex-Comprador Pong has uncharacteristically not reported to work this week. I would have enjoyed sharing these thoughts with him.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings

The SCMP Responds

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

My delectable young secretary Ebola Choi recently received the following repsonse from the South China Morning Post:

Dear Mr Gornt,

... I need to check your name. I am assuming this is a pseudonym, given that Quillan Gornt is a character in the novel Taipan. If so, this letter must run under your real name.

Regards,
Letters Editor

Damn and blast this publication. It is more pestilent that the loathsome Noble House itself. Along with Dunross, they shall be sold short in tomorrow's trading.

Best of seasonal joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell Gornt Holdings

Gornt Writes to the SCMP

Dear Editor,

I have been shocked, distressed and angry in equal measure with the views shared by two fellow expatriates in yesterday’s [today's] letters section.

In his letter, (“Cultural Mix”) Mike Brooks remarks in a tone reminiscent of a fallen Tai-pan that the “Hong Kong Chinese way” does not work, that Hong Kong’s international city hallmark vindicates any decision not to learn Chinese, and that Hong Kong’s greatest misfortune was that the British left.

Peter Sherwood (“Behind France”), meanwhile, makes an outlandish comparison between Hong Kong and a Pyrenean village following a recent sojourn to the French mountains. He notes that food is cheaper and that the French have superior recycling facilities.

While Brooks’ opinions are both antiquated and unseemly, Sherwood’s obscure correlation is completely asinine (I am surprised he didn’t mention air quality!). The solution to what some call “irritable gweilo syndrome” is straightforward - if Hong Kong is no longer good enough for you, you may leave.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
The Peak

Rothwell-Gornt To Launch Alternative Investments

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

As I entertained a curious mixture of Hong Kong’s most pecunious, slender, and incorruptible tycoons, elite escorts, and public officials at a “Taipan reception” at Gornt Mansions last night, a number of my esteemed guests inquired as to what I have been doing with my spare time now the Jockey Club has entered the off-season.

The answer, of course, is preparing for a successful 2010 season. More specifically, having succumbed to Dunross’ Noble Man on more than one occasion, my previous steed - Pilot Fish - has been turned to glue. In keeping with Rothwell-Gornt’s strong record in sustainability, he has been "repackaged" into a composite building material and flogged to a two-bit real estate developer in Guangzhou.

As you are aware, Hong Kong’s searing summers are not only too hot for horses, they are also uncomfortable for humans (and Taipans). My usual outdoor activities – such as pleasure boating, or sipping Mouton Rothschild on the balcony at Sevva – are no longer appropriate in this climate, and instead my Wednesday evenings are now being used to experiment with new options.

Indeed, thanks to Hong Kong’s increasingly cosmopolitan society, I have tried my hand at yoga, something called “stretch”, and even hip-hop dancing. The latter is the perfect excuse to don my tight “Rothwell-Gornt” custom-branded lyrca leggings and pop socks, and prance around to music by Lil Wayne, who’s not half bad in my view.

What is the point of all this, you may ask? Well, fellow shareholders, I spy an investment opportunity. Without giving away my precise business plan, one could, for example, purchase a group of these businesses, bundle them together, launch them on the exchange, and then market them as “alternative assets”. Yoga as an asset class – who would have thought it!

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings