Uncovered: PM’s Links to Ignoble Hong

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Allow me to first state that I hold little respect for “coalition government” - above all a sign of weakness. What, for example, would Rothwell-Gornt’s esteemed shareholders say to a proposed merger with the loathsome Struan’s? Over our dead bodies, one would hope!

The bottom line is that if you can’t beat, bribe, extort (or poison) your opposition, you don’t deserve to be Taipan - and in failing to achieve any of these, Mr Cameron made an unrecoverable mistake. Indeed within a local context (Hong Kong Rules), he simply would not have been able to succeed.

Rather interestingly, the PM did try - and presumably fail - to make it in Hong Kong in the mid-1980s. Indeed, his flaccid leadership style was spotted by the equally impotent Noble House, where for a period of three months he was employed as a Ship Jumper (see pg. 37). The position sounds like valuable training for a career in politics.

Upon further inspection, the PM’s ties to Struan’s are closer than your Taipan likes to admit. Like Dunross and his irksome predecessors, he also hails from upper crust Scottish ancestry – but more importantly his Great Grandfather was the Director of the Chartered Bank of India, Australia and China, a major beneficiary of the opium trade.

With Struan’s indirectly helping the PM’s family to become rich, a deplorable and incestuous relationship has thus taken shape. It is one that undeniably gives the Noble House the upper hand in government relations. We must therefore remain vigilant - for any movement in the regulatory landscape, any Prime Ministerial visits to the Far East, and any special favours that may ensue.

What we do not know is how the Noble House treated the PM over those three months - and this is the deal breaker. Did they teach him to work hard and invest wisely – or did they encourage him to squander his salary and bonus in the bars of Wan Chai or the races of Happy Valley?

Of particular interest are some of the Noble House's more unusual traditions. For example, during his own time as a young apprentice, Ian Dunross’ virginity was famously auctioned off at a local glamour club - with the bidding managed by the hong’s own Comprador! Let us hope Mr Cameron was at least treated with greater dignity.

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings