Monday, June 22, 2009

Happy Birthday, Taipan!

Exhibit: The Sinking of The Flying Cloud, the Pride of Struans'

Dear Fellow Shareholders,

Today marks the birthday of my loathsome, plucky adversary, Ian Dunross. As such I would like to convey an especially important, high priority message.

During his captaincy of the Noble House, it is well-known that Dunross has scuppered many of my best laid-plans: hostile takeovers have been thwarted; applications to the Board of Stewards at the Jockey Club have been repeatedly declined; and while pained to admit it, the Taipan’s panache, enduring boyish looks, and cocky swagger ensure that he wins with women every time.

Annoying as this is, this spirit of competition is of course enshrined within Hong Kong Rules. Indeed, over many years of shenanigans, this has developed into symbiotic relationship whereby I need Dunross, and Dunross needs me. For example, if Dunross perished in a typhoon - like Dirk before him - whose shares would I chose to short-sell as I enjoyed my morning latte? Similarly, if I disappeared in a freak boating accident, whose brakes would Dunross chose to bugger when he throws a dinner party?

Testament to the goodwill inherent in Rothwell-Gornt, I should therefore like to take this opportunity to extend an olive branch and wish the Taipan a very happy birthday. In keeping with tradition, the employees of Rothwell-Gornt have once again demonstrated their appreciation by collectively purchasing a rather unique present (kindly forfeiting their annual bonuses in the process). This year they have commissioned a striking oil colour depicting the sinking of the Flying Cloud – one of Struans’ finest ships, lost in a storm a couple of decades ago.

I trust the Taipan will find room for this tasteful gift in his boardroom. Again, happy birthday, Taipan – and a pox on you and your lousy firm!

Best of joss,

Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings


Tai-Pan said...

Dear Gornt,

thank you for your present. I am surprised that it cost the sum total of your employees' annual bonuses. On second thoughts, looking at RG's 2008 Annual Report, you only spent $136.43 on bonuses, and this year's not been easy financially for you.

I will hang this work in the most fitting place as soon as I park the car in the garage.

Best of Joss on this happy day.

The Tai-Pan

Quillan Gornt said...


By strange coincidence, isn't HK$136.43 the same amount that was offered for a "special occasion" on your 14th birthday?

best of joss,

Tai-Pan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tai-Pan said...

As usual, your grasp of figures belies a possible numerical dyslexia. The figure was HK$136,430.


The Tai-Pan