Dear Fellow Shareholders,
Allow me to first state that I hold little respect for “coalition government” - above all a sign of weakness. What, for example, would Rothwell-Gornt’s esteemed shareholders say to a proposed merger with the loathsome Struan’s? Over our dead bodies, one would hope!
The bottom line is that if you can’t beat, bribe, extort (or poison) your opposition, you don’t deserve to be Taipan - and in failing to achieve any of these, Mr Cameron made an unrecoverable mistake. Indeed within a local context (Hong Kong Rules), he simply would not have been able to succeed.
Rather interestingly, the PM did try - and presumably fail - to make it in Hong Kong in the mid-1980s. Indeed, his flaccid leadership style was spotted by the equally impotent Noble House, where for a period of three months he was employed as a Ship Jumper (see pg. 37). The position sounds like valuable training for a career in politics.
Upon further inspection, the PM’s ties to Struan’s are closer than your Taipan likes to admit. Like Dunross and his irksome predecessors, he also hails from upper crust Scottish ancestry – but more importantly his Great Grandfather was the Director of the Chartered Bank of India, Australia and China, a major beneficiary of the opium trade.
With Struan’s indirectly helping the PM’s family to become rich, a deplorable and incestuous relationship has thus taken shape. It is one that undeniably gives the Noble House the upper hand in government relations. We must therefore remain vigilant - for any movement in the regulatory landscape, any Prime Ministerial visits to the Far East, and any special favours that may ensue.
What we do not know is how the Noble House treated the PM over those three months - and this is the deal breaker. Did they teach him to work hard and invest wisely – or did they encourage him to squander his salary and bonus in the bars of Wan Chai or the races of Happy Valley?
Of particular interest are some of the Noble House's more unusual traditions. For example, during his own time as a young apprentice, Ian Dunross’ virginity was famously auctioned off at a local glamour club - with the bidding managed by the hong’s own Comprador! Let us hope Mr Cameron was at least treated with greater dignity.
Best of joss,
Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The Comprador's Code
Dear Fellow Shareholders,
During Rothwell-Gornt's 2010 Advisory Council Meeting, held at the Pussy Cat Club (Wanchai branch), ex-Comprador Tiberius Pong tactfully raised an unwelcome issue:
"If it is true that flies do not visit an egg which has no crack," he started, "then are we to assume the recent reports regarding Taipan Ho are perchance accurate?"
In fairness to Pong, he had by this stage imbibed a not inconsiderable volume of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild, the PCC's vin de table. The 1982 vintage is a delight, but in rather short supply.
I digress. My response was simple: "It was noted in Taipan Ho's statements to international press that there was absolutely no foundation in any suggestion that he is associated with organized crime or triads," I recalled from memory.
Emboldened by his drink, the red-faced ex-Comprador pushed on: "Yes Taipan, but as they say, the longer the explanation, the bigger the lie," he mumbled. His head dropped neatly into the lap of a delectable young hostess.
The Comprador's Code - a component of Hong Kong Rules - is the issue at stake. "At no stage should one conglomerate gossip about the legality of another's business," it states. And as Tai-pan of one of the more colourful hongs, it is a value I treasure.
Indeed, the roots of most hongs are intertwined with activities commonly perceived as reprehensible - this is true even of the glossy (yet loathsome) Noble House. But a larger issue is at stake - the odd weapons shipment here, the occasional oversight of a UN trade embargo there - which upstanding Hong Kong citizen cares about such trivialities anyway?
It is a great shame ex-Comprador Pong has uncharacteristically not reported to work this week. I would have enjoyed sharing these thoughts with him.
Best of joss,
Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings
During Rothwell-Gornt's 2010 Advisory Council Meeting, held at the Pussy Cat Club (Wanchai branch), ex-Comprador Tiberius Pong tactfully raised an unwelcome issue:
"If it is true that flies do not visit an egg which has no crack," he started, "then are we to assume the recent reports regarding Taipan Ho are perchance accurate?"
In fairness to Pong, he had by this stage imbibed a not inconsiderable volume of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild, the PCC's vin de table. The 1982 vintage is a delight, but in rather short supply.
I digress. My response was simple: "It was noted in Taipan Ho's statements to international press that there was absolutely no foundation in any suggestion that he is associated with organized crime or triads," I recalled from memory.
Emboldened by his drink, the red-faced ex-Comprador pushed on: "Yes Taipan, but as they say, the longer the explanation, the bigger the lie," he mumbled. His head dropped neatly into the lap of a delectable young hostess.
The Comprador's Code - a component of Hong Kong Rules - is the issue at stake. "At no stage should one conglomerate gossip about the legality of another's business," it states. And as Tai-pan of one of the more colourful hongs, it is a value I treasure.
Indeed, the roots of most hongs are intertwined with activities commonly perceived as reprehensible - this is true even of the glossy (yet loathsome) Noble House. But a larger issue is at stake - the odd weapons shipment here, the occasional oversight of a UN trade embargo there - which upstanding Hong Kong citizen cares about such trivialities anyway?
It is a great shame ex-Comprador Pong has uncharacteristically not reported to work this week. I would have enjoyed sharing these thoughts with him.
Best of joss,
Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings
Saturday, November 28, 2009
The SCMP Responds
Dear Fellow Shareholders,
My delectable young secretary Ebola Choi recently received the following repsonse from the South China Morning Post:
My delectable young secretary Ebola Choi recently received the following repsonse from the South China Morning Post:
Dear Mr Gornt,
... I need to check your name. I am assuming this is a pseudonym, given that Quillan Gornt is a character in the novel Taipan. If so, this letter must run under your real name.
Regards,
Letters Editor
Damn and blast this publication. It is more pestilent that the loathsome Noble House itself. Along with Dunross, they shall be sold short in tomorrow's trading.
Best of seasonal joss,
Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell Gornt Holdings
Gornt Writes to the SCMP
Dear Editor,
I have been shocked, distressed and angry in equal measure with the views shared by two fellow expatriates in yesterday’s [today's] letters section.
In his letter, (“Cultural Mix”) Mike Brooks remarks in a tone reminiscent of a fallen Tai-pan that the “Hong Kong Chinese way” does not work, that Hong Kong’s international city hallmark vindicates any decision not to learn Chinese, and that Hong Kong’s greatest misfortune was that the British left.
Peter Sherwood (“Behind France”), meanwhile, makes an outlandish comparison between Hong Kong and a Pyrenean village following a recent sojourn to the French mountains. He notes that food is cheaper and that the French have superior recycling facilities.
While Brooks’ opinions are both antiquated and unseemly, Sherwood’s obscure correlation is completely asinine (I am surprised he didn’t mention air quality!). The solution to what some call “irritable gweilo syndrome” is straightforward - if Hong Kong is no longer good enough for you, you may leave.
Best of joss,
Quillan Gornt
The Peak
I have been shocked, distressed and angry in equal measure with the views shared by two fellow expatriates in yesterday’s [today's] letters section.
In his letter, (“Cultural Mix”) Mike Brooks remarks in a tone reminiscent of a fallen Tai-pan that the “Hong Kong Chinese way” does not work, that Hong Kong’s international city hallmark vindicates any decision not to learn Chinese, and that Hong Kong’s greatest misfortune was that the British left.
Peter Sherwood (“Behind France”), meanwhile, makes an outlandish comparison between Hong Kong and a Pyrenean village following a recent sojourn to the French mountains. He notes that food is cheaper and that the French have superior recycling facilities.
While Brooks’ opinions are both antiquated and unseemly, Sherwood’s obscure correlation is completely asinine (I am surprised he didn’t mention air quality!). The solution to what some call “irritable gweilo syndrome” is straightforward - if Hong Kong is no longer good enough for you, you may leave.
Best of joss,
Quillan Gornt
The Peak
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Rothwell-Gornt To Launch Alternative Investments
Dear Fellow Shareholders,
As I entertained a curious mixture of Hong Kong’s most pecunious, slender, and incorruptible tycoons, elite escorts, and public officials at a “Taipan reception” at Gornt Mansions last night, a number of my esteemed guests inquired as to what I have been doing with my spare time now the Jockey Club has entered the off-season.
The answer, of course, is preparing for a successful 2010 season. More specifically, having succumbed to Dunross’ Noble Man on more than one occasion, my previous steed - Pilot Fish - has been turned to glue. In keeping with Rothwell-Gornt’s strong record in sustainability, he has been "repackaged" into a composite building material and flogged to a two-bit real estate developer in Guangzhou.
As you are aware, Hong Kong’s searing summers are not only too hot for horses, they are also uncomfortable for humans (and Taipans). My usual outdoor activities – such as pleasure boating, or sipping Mouton Rothschild on the balcony at Sevva – are no longer appropriate in this climate, and instead my Wednesday evenings are now being used to experiment with new options.
Indeed, thanks to Hong Kong’s increasingly cosmopolitan society, I have tried my hand at yoga, something called “stretch”, and even hip-hop dancing. The latter is the perfect excuse to don my tight “Rothwell-Gornt” custom-branded lyrca leggings and pop socks, and prance around to music by Lil Wayne, who’s not half bad in my view.
What is the point of all this, you may ask? Well, fellow shareholders, I spy an investment opportunity. Without giving away my precise business plan, one could, for example, purchase a group of these businesses, bundle them together, launch them on the exchange, and then market them as “alternative assets”. Yoga as an asset class – who would have thought it!
Best of joss,
Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings
As I entertained a curious mixture of Hong Kong’s most pecunious, slender, and incorruptible tycoons, elite escorts, and public officials at a “Taipan reception” at Gornt Mansions last night, a number of my esteemed guests inquired as to what I have been doing with my spare time now the Jockey Club has entered the off-season.
The answer, of course, is preparing for a successful 2010 season. More specifically, having succumbed to Dunross’ Noble Man on more than one occasion, my previous steed - Pilot Fish - has been turned to glue. In keeping with Rothwell-Gornt’s strong record in sustainability, he has been "repackaged" into a composite building material and flogged to a two-bit real estate developer in Guangzhou.
As you are aware, Hong Kong’s searing summers are not only too hot for horses, they are also uncomfortable for humans (and Taipans). My usual outdoor activities – such as pleasure boating, or sipping Mouton Rothschild on the balcony at Sevva – are no longer appropriate in this climate, and instead my Wednesday evenings are now being used to experiment with new options.
Indeed, thanks to Hong Kong’s increasingly cosmopolitan society, I have tried my hand at yoga, something called “stretch”, and even hip-hop dancing. The latter is the perfect excuse to don my tight “Rothwell-Gornt” custom-branded lyrca leggings and pop socks, and prance around to music by Lil Wayne, who’s not half bad in my view.
What is the point of all this, you may ask? Well, fellow shareholders, I spy an investment opportunity. Without giving away my precise business plan, one could, for example, purchase a group of these businesses, bundle them together, launch them on the exchange, and then market them as “alternative assets”. Yoga as an asset class – who would have thought it!
Best of joss,
Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings
Monday, June 22, 2009
Happy Birthday, Taipan!
Exhibit: The Sinking of The Flying Cloud, the Pride of Struans'
Dear Fellow Shareholders,
Today marks the birthday of my loathsome, plucky adversary, Ian Dunross. As such I would like to convey an especially important, high priority message.
During his captaincy of the Noble House, it is well-known that Dunross has scuppered many of my best laid-plans: hostile takeovers have been thwarted; applications to the Board of Stewards at the Jockey Club have been repeatedly declined; and while pained to admit it, the Taipan’s panache, enduring boyish looks, and cocky swagger ensure that he wins with women every time.
Annoying as this is, this spirit of competition is of course enshrined within Hong Kong Rules. Indeed, over many years of shenanigans, this has developed into symbiotic relationship whereby I need Dunross, and Dunross needs me. For example, if Dunross perished in a typhoon - like Dirk before him - whose shares would I chose to short-sell as I enjoyed my morning latte? Similarly, if I disappeared in a freak boating accident, whose brakes would Dunross chose to bugger when he throws a dinner party?
Testament to the goodwill inherent in Rothwell-Gornt, I should therefore like to take this opportunity to extend an olive branch and wish the Taipan a very happy birthday. In keeping with tradition, the employees of Rothwell-Gornt have once again demonstrated their appreciation by collectively purchasing a rather unique present (kindly forfeiting their annual bonuses in the process). This year they have commissioned a striking oil colour depicting the sinking of the Flying Cloud – one of Struans’ finest ships, lost in a storm a couple of decades ago.
I trust the Taipan will find room for this tasteful gift in his boardroom. Again, happy birthday, Taipan – and a pox on you and your lousy firm!
Best of joss,
Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings
Friday, May 22, 2009
Taipan Thursday Terminates in Tantrum
Dear Fellow Shareholders,
As any player with economies of scale would know, one of the great shortcomings of the Happy Valley Races is that you cannot short-sell your opponent's horse. It is a tactic that would have come in useful at last Thursday's meet.
Dunross - now back in Hong Kong - challenged me to "Taipan Thursday" at the races. The parameters were straightforward: HK$20 million in each pot, Hong Kong Rules apply. I simply could not refuse as Dunross' own horse - Noble Man - was running in Race 8, no doubt be the decider.
Dropsy Wong, my personal assistant, arranged for a car to the races. As a man of the people, I then stood track-side and committed HK$20 million of Rothwell-Gornt's own money, confident in my abilities as a proprietary trader. High above, in the safety of Jockey Club Stewards box, I could see the familiar figure of I.S. Dunross, Taipan of the Noble House, looking down.
Betting started in Race 3. Both Dunross and I went in cautiously, with Dunross taking the early spoils - a meagre HK550,000. In Race 4, Dunross spread his bets across no less than six horses - the risk averse investment thesis of Struan's all too apparent. His tactic didn't work, and I evened the tally with a HK$500,000 win.
By Race 5, the stakes - and the risks - were getting higher. I opted for an ambitious quinella, which backfired, while the Taipan also had bad luck. We racked up over HK$5 million in losses between us. The turning point came in Race 6 - my losses of HK$400,000 comparing favourably to Dunross' HK$3 million expense. In Race 7 I capitalised on my already strong position with a famous HK$9.65 million win - my best performance this year.
As things stood, by Race 8 - our final round - my pot stood at HK$26.75 million, the Taipan's below HK$17 million. Standing on the terrance, Dunross gave me a secret hand sign - "all in Taipan", it said. We committed our remaining stakes. The race was going my way until the final furlong. From the back of the field, Noble Man staged an impressive sprint to take second place, and Dunross had won big. A replay can be seen here.
The final standings were: Gornt down HK$3.75million, Dunross up HK$5.8 million. My loss shall be disclosed in Rothwell-Gornt's Interim Report as "Miscellaneous Expenses".
Best of joss,
Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings
PS - If anyone from the Hong Kong Jockey Club is reading, I am still awaiting my invitation to the Board of Stewards.
As any player with economies of scale would know, one of the great shortcomings of the Happy Valley Races is that you cannot short-sell your opponent's horse. It is a tactic that would have come in useful at last Thursday's meet.
Dunross - now back in Hong Kong - challenged me to "Taipan Thursday" at the races. The parameters were straightforward: HK$20 million in each pot, Hong Kong Rules apply. I simply could not refuse as Dunross' own horse - Noble Man - was running in Race 8, no doubt be the decider.
Dropsy Wong, my personal assistant, arranged for a car to the races. As a man of the people, I then stood track-side and committed HK$20 million of Rothwell-Gornt's own money, confident in my abilities as a proprietary trader. High above, in the safety of Jockey Club Stewards box, I could see the familiar figure of I.S. Dunross, Taipan of the Noble House, looking down.
Betting started in Race 3. Both Dunross and I went in cautiously, with Dunross taking the early spoils - a meagre HK550,000. In Race 4, Dunross spread his bets across no less than six horses - the risk averse investment thesis of Struan's all too apparent. His tactic didn't work, and I evened the tally with a HK$500,000 win.
By Race 5, the stakes - and the risks - were getting higher. I opted for an ambitious quinella, which backfired, while the Taipan also had bad luck. We racked up over HK$5 million in losses between us. The turning point came in Race 6 - my losses of HK$400,000 comparing favourably to Dunross' HK$3 million expense. In Race 7 I capitalised on my already strong position with a famous HK$9.65 million win - my best performance this year.
As things stood, by Race 8 - our final round - my pot stood at HK$26.75 million, the Taipan's below HK$17 million. Standing on the terrance, Dunross gave me a secret hand sign - "all in Taipan", it said. We committed our remaining stakes. The race was going my way until the final furlong. From the back of the field, Noble Man staged an impressive sprint to take second place, and Dunross had won big. A replay can be seen here.
The final standings were: Gornt down HK$3.75million, Dunross up HK$5.8 million. My loss shall be disclosed in Rothwell-Gornt's Interim Report as "Miscellaneous Expenses".
Best of joss,
Quillan Gornt
CEO and Taipan
Rothwell-Gornt Holdings
PS - If anyone from the Hong Kong Jockey Club is reading, I am still awaiting my invitation to the Board of Stewards.
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